Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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