I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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