if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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