3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
