just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
