dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
