he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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