I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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