Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
