Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
