when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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