I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
