i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
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Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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