How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
