watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
