just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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