a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
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alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
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The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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