you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
