I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
our cab driver is having phone sex.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Found the puke drawer
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
