Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
