You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?