so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.