My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time