The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
