Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
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I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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