If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
it's like heaven, but drunker
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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