can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
