Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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