Redeem this text for a blowjob
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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