I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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