Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.