You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
