you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god