ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
