there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
