after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
