We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
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