so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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