"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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