I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Text me some of your sweat
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
