We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
