when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
