worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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