i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
