So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
