Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
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Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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