I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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