Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
