i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
