there was a trapeze. enough said
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
this will be a night to untag.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
