My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
