Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
