Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
