Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
