If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
So squirting runs in the family.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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