so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
