I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Randomize
