I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
