So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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