I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
