i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
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I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
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I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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