I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
