Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
