1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
