Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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