I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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